Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Sometimes it's time to move on, to let go, to move past something, to become something more than what you were.

Sometimes it happens before you realize it.


A year ago I was the most miserable I have ever been in my life.

Overweight, alone in a relationship, unhealthy, and lost. A couple of years of bad choices had nearly destroyed who I was, who I wanted to be. It's crazy what we'll do to ourselves in the name of 'love'.


Today I am happier than I have ever been, happier in fact than I ever imagined being. I barely recognize the person I let myself become, the way I let myself be treated, the choices I made.

Today I am surrounded by friends and family who are incredible. Today I am successful, secure, content- yet continuing to grow.

Today there is no aspect of my life in which I am not thrilled, thriving, amazed.

Today is a great day, and I hope the days like this go on and on and on.



I won't be posting as much here anymore, I am taking on two new writing projects and unfortunately sometimes you have to let go of the old to make room for the new.

I thought about posting a link here, so I could carry with me the almost 2,000 readers who have spent the last year with me- but you know- sometimes you have to just truth fate, and life. Inshalla.


So if it was meant to be, it will be.

To those of you whose journey with me ends here, Bright blessings.

Writing this blog, and the one before it has been an amazing gift for me, and I am thankful to each of you who took the time to read along the way, and I'm thankful too for those who inspired me to write, good or bad, because you obviously made me feel, and that's the greatest thing you can ever do for a person.


Love love love.

Monday, June 29, 2009

Over the next day or two you will see some big changes going on here. I've decided to take a step from a little less casual to a little more random, but with more meat.

Please be patient!

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

I went to dinner last night with my family and enjoyed what I thought was an amazing meal, that is until about 20 minutes after finishing it. It took me a few minutes to realize that I was actually going to die from food poisoning as I sprawled there on the floor of a local establishment.

What seemed like days later a worker came in because they were closing I didn't even try to save pride, or grace, I simply muttered something about hell and revenge and rolled over.

If I were to compare myself to superman - I can quite certainly say that bad seafood is my kryptonite and the world was fucked last night.

This morning seems somewhat better, I'm no longer begging someone to hit me with a bus or cursing my mother for giving birth to me, and I have managed to avoid coming into inappropriate contact with a retail establishment's bathroom floor for at least the last 8 hours. However..

I may need some sort of twitter intervention because while laying there, with life flashing before my eyes, trying to get all of my estate and final arrangements planned in my head- I actually took the time to #followfriday someone early, just in case I didn't make it.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

It's 2:00 AM when I look at the clock in the car- I've been driving for hours but I'm still no closer to wherever it is I'm going, and I'm certainly not any farther from wherever it is I was before.

I can't help but notice him at the stoplight. It's our 10th such meeting of the night and I feel somewhat like we are bonding in the darkness amidst the miles we are racking up.

I wonder if the look on his face and the story behind his midnight escapade is one of remembering, or forgetting. I wonder if the songs playing on his radio are as haunting as mine, or if he has tried to turn around and go home as many times as I have- only to realize it's pointless, the walls and quiet can drive a person crazy.

I wonder where it is he'd rather be.

I drive for another hour almost before I have my own ephiphany- the fuel behind my own journey is that I don know if I want to remember, or forget. And no matter how many circles I drive in, or how many stops at all night gas stations for caffeine, my heart and my head will just not compromise.

It's late, everything is fuzzy and I have nothing to lose so I call. I can't blame it on drunk dialing- but I figure being sleep deprived is close enough.

I need to know. I need to know if right this minute he's somewhere trying to remember, or forget. I need to know if everything meant anything. I need to know if I am crazy or if maybe we are sharing a moment- I need to know..

And when he answers I can tell he's been sleeping.

I suddenly remember that I hated that about him. He could sleep no matter what.

And I want to scream at him to get the fuck out of my head, that I deserve better. I want to convince us both.

And then I want to cry and ask him how he can be sleeping, why isn't his head as messy as mine, why isn't he out here doing NASCAR laps in the dark ..

But I don't.

I hang up, I drive home, and I lay on the couch.

I remind myself that no matter what it feels like- I will eventually sleep, and the sun will come out, and life will keep going on. I'll remember things I'd like to forget, and forget some things I try so hard to remember.

And on and on and on the days go.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Today is a crappy day.

It's not even one of those cute crappy days where I can giggle, or go post about on FML. () Today is one of those days where I don't even want to stab anyone with a spork, I just want to go to bed and wake up and it not be today.


Have you ever just had a day where you looked back at a huge part of your life and think "Welp, I just completely fucked that up, well done." and suddenly you're not sure if it was all your fault, if you are just completely incapable of having success in certain areas of your life?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not talking Emo here, It's not "Woe is me".. but today I found myself so completely sad over something that should mean nothing, and I thought did mean nothing, like- absolute nothing- but then today out of nowhere, I was sad.

Sad because- it got fucked up. I guess it doesn't matter who, or why, or how. It just did. And now that part of my life will never exist again. And it doesn't matter if that's a good thing or not- what matters is- it's gone.

And apparently at some point in my life it was important to me, it was something I wanted, something I had hoped would be successful and a part of my life, and now it isn't.

You spend so much time convincing yourself you are better off, that you're glad it's gone.. and maybe you are... but you weren't always.

So today I guess I am sad for the me that was back then. Back then it meant everything to me, and now it means nothing.


I guess no matter how certain we are, we are never really 100% sure until somewhere later in life we can look back and say "Yap, that was the right decision", and today just isn't that day.

Bright blessings you guys, make sure you happy, wherever you are in life.

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Looking back I find it sad that I can recall the exact moment I knew I would out grow him, that my life would go on without him in it, and if I were being honest- that it would be significantly better someday. Eventually I would all but forget him in a vague cloud of people I used to know and recalled from time to time.

We had been shopping for something at the mall, the radio was playing on the drive back to his apartment and I found myself trying to tune out the songs that came and went, the last thing I needed was a musical reminder of a moment like this, no one wants to hear a song three or thirty years later and think of someone they don't love anymore.

It's not that he did anything wrong, it's more than he didn't do anything right. Fickle as it makes me- it just turned out he wasn't who I thought he was, to be fair- he wasn't who he thought he was either. He was just.. empty. He was this giant black hole of ..himself. He had the potential to be great, which made it almost pathetic when he fell short time and time again, and I was tired of watching him suffer and tired of being sad for him.

He was on some sort of sinking ship and that day staring out the window at nothing and everything all at once I realized that for a long time he had been using me to stay afloat and he hadn't even noticed that I was starting to sink too. He would have let me drown, he would have let me slip away without a second thought due to a mixture of apathy and complete disregard for anything or anyone other than himself.

The years we spent together flashed quickly before my eyes.

I was dancing in the park at midnight, eating bad chinese food curled on the couch, watching the barges at the lake, making love in 100 degree weather in the back of his car, standing at a carnival wondering what our children would look like, floating.. and falling.. in love.


And then... I wasn't.

I was standing on a street corner in a city I hadn't visited for years waiting to cross a street I used to take to work when I saw him. At first I wasn't sure it was him, he looked nothing like I remembered, and even worse than I had imagined he would.

He looked lonely. Not the kind of lonely you get when you don't have friends or family, or when you've been sitting in your apartment for days without seeing anyone. No, it was the kind of lonely you get when you've spent your entire life pretending to be someone you are not, living in a world of lies and betrayal, unfaithfulness and apathy. It was the look of lonely that could only be worn by someone who had been loved a few great times but lost them by doing nothing at all, precisely nothing- except taking it for granted, or taking advantage, just taking..always taking.

He looked sad. Not just depressing, but pathetic, which in itself is could be depressing. He stood there waiting for the light to change, a sign that he could go- though it was assumingly obvious that he had no idea where he was going, and probably was still unaware of how or why he ended up where he was.

We stood for a few moments, he on his corner, and me on mine. Only a few feet separated us- but we were lifetimes apart. He was a stranger now and it broke my heart to see him through the eyes of someone who didn't love him, (at least not anymore). He was clumsy, uncertain, and insecure.. all the things that once made him great were gone now, either because I was no longer imagining them, or he was no longer pretending them. Either way I was embarrassed, if he were truly an emperor- I saw now that he had no clothes.

The light changed...and I walked. I had places to go, someone to be.. And as our eyes met and he noticed me for the first time I gave him a small smile- the kind you give out of guilt or pity. The uncomfortable kind that is somehow supposed to make up for the fact that once upon a time you both had the same chance to be happy and you had seized it and ran and lived, and loved, and gone on and on.. and for all the temporary satisfactions they would find in life, a drink, a drug, an affair, a moment or two to get lost in- they would always wake up and want for so much more than they had, or settle for so much more than they could have had.

Thinking back to him as I literally and figuratively went on with my life, it occurred to me;

...Once upon a time I thought behind the mask and costume he wore was a superhero waiting to emerge, now I saw him as I had been too blind to see him before.

And still,
Of all the people I'll ever forget, I did love him the most.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

For Cass, for Stacy.

You were afraid that you would disappear,
that you would be lost and forgotten.

I held you tight against the dark and
said that I would always come for you.

Then one day it happened. You were
torn from my arms and vanished
from this world.

Maybe you don't remember
my promise. But I meant
every word.

I hope you're not afraid,
wherever you are.

You don't need to be.

I'm not.

I will find you.

(I want to clarify, I didn't write this, I found it, and it reminded me of a conversation I had with someone, that's all.)

Monday, March 23, 2009





I told ya'll she was dangerous.

I caught her in the act of trying to steal my car.

World domination, next stop.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

For those of you who don't know- I am studying Arabic. Yay me! More stuff I'll never use!

Anyway, today my tutor (Who is Arabic, obviously) let me pick my own phrases to get the proper pronunciation of. And while running off a long list that I had been struggling with, I threw in "Everybody get down, I have a bomb!"...


Haha.

Best awkward silence ever.

Friday, March 6, 2009

Randomness

Happy Friday!


A couple of days ago I was at work sitting at my desk all squished so the bug man could spray around the walls and under my desk (Monthly spraying, no infestation thank you!) I got a card from an amazing friend of mine which caused me to burst out crying. So the bug guy looks up at me like I'm insane because I have tears pouring down my face (and probably a snotty nose) and my makeup is all runny and I'm sobbing. Trying to lighten the mood a little I say "It's the bugs, I'm just so sad for them".. and go back to what I was doing- thinking I'd made a little joke, made him more comfortable and it was forgotten.

A few minutes later when he is getting ready to leave he brings me the invoice for the spraying and looks at me with the more serious expression and goes "Hey, I'm really sorry about the bugs.." and leaves. He was- dead serious.


I waited till he walked out to break out into hysterical laughter.

Can you imagine the blog post that guy probably made about me?!?!

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Bow down bitches.


NerdTests.com says I'm an Uber-Dorky Nerd Queen. I think they suck.


There.

For anyone who doubted it when I said that I am a complete dork, that I suck at science, and that I am in love with bad television, now you know- I don't play.

Do you see how high I scored on awkward? WTF is that? There wasn't even a question asking me how many times I randomly fall down, drop stuff, trip over something, or spill my purse.


I figure if I'm that much of a nerd, nose picking is acceptable, yes?

Wednesday, February 11, 2009





Sorry about the lack of randomness and babbling lately guys, besides adjusting to living in TN I have had to deal with the tragic news that my future husband is a woman beater.

Seriously, Chris.. Why?
We could have had such a great future together. But you had to go and throw it all away.

That's alright, better Rihanna than me, but still... =(

Monday, February 9, 2009

Eye Sea Ewe.




For you, Sarah.


Her: How many pairs of big sunglasses do you own?
Me: 12 or 13, why?
Her: How many eyes do you have?
Me: That you can see? >.< Do the ones in the back of my head count?
Her: You always have them on. 2/3 of the time I see you.
Me: That's not true. I just saw you twice last week, and I didn't have any on.
Her: True, but the day before that you were wearing TWO pairs. Do the math.
Me: ... you are lying.
Her: No. One on your head and one on your face,you didn't even notice.You need help.



Big Sunglasses.

2 out of 3 me's recommend them.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Music? Who likes music?

Alright, maybe I have a bit of an obsession, it's true!


Damien Rice:




And so it is
Just like you said it should be
We'll both forget the breeze
Most of the time
And so it is
The colder water
The blower's daughter
The pupil in denial

I can't take my eyes off you


Comfortable, John Mayer..



Can't remember, what went wrong last September
Though I'm sure that you'd remind me, if you had to

Our love was, comfortable and
so broken in




I CANNOT say enough about this song, it just.. wow... "Kylie from Conneticut", by of course.. Ben Folds.




And how on earth could you be a true fan of Ben Folds without a little of this:

Rockin' this Bitch.. in Murray.



As always guys, enjoy this life and be happy!

Monday, February 2, 2009






From time to time my boss will give me a reason or two to like him. Really really like him. Today is one of those times.

I'm adding comic books to the list under free meat, and paychecks.

You can only imagine my delight at having Obama and Spiderman cross paths in the first place (And for those of you who don't know, they'll be doing it again on Feb. 18th, so get ready- they'll be going fast!) , but to be walking around with my favorite mocha and turn the corner and BAM find that they have an entire shelf just for me, and a chair within reaching distance where I can sit and sip and read and read and sip and ..


Ah, life is good.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Inspired, a personalized spinoff of something from SO.

I’m at work and I’m sitting in front of a laptop, typing my life away.

I’m on a swing in grade school when she tells me I am ugly and I don't know if I should believe her.

I’m in standing in the court house starting the rest of my life.

I'm on the phone leaving him a message begging him not to leave me.

I’m standing in the doorway of her bedroom when I see my mother with another woman and I know nothing will be the same.

I’m standing alone in the shower soaked and alone having my first orgasm.

I’m on a inner tube at the water park when she falls asleep on my chest and I fall in love, again.

I’m in a funeral home looking at my great grandmother and wondering who she was.

I’m waking up on the kitchen floor wondering if I will die alone.

I’m sitting on the living room floor crying because he won't let me play the drums.

I’m fighting for my life and losing.

I am staring in the mirror when I make myself admit to being fat for the first time.

I’m sending in the application for the most important job of my life.

I’m standing in the mud listening to his speech, realizing he is going to be the next President, and we're going to be okay afterall.

I’m sitting on my bed taking off my ballet shoes, knowing I will never dance again.

I am all of these things, living all of these moments at once.

I’m at work and I’m sitting in front of a laptop, typing my life away.

Friday, January 9, 2009

Hope, love, life

It seems like it is never often enough that we get the chance to spread the messages of hope, faith, life, or love. We're so busy living our own lives, taking for granted our own miracles and blessings that we forget that everyday there is a family struggling to face that which but for the grace of God we go.

Earlier this year I was facing serious medical concerns. All initial tests and symptoms pointed to AML (Acute Myelogenous Leukemia) and when I started the research my heart and stomach hit the floor before my knees could to pray. However, after a month of in and out testing and several doctors later- it was discovered that I have SLE (Systemic Lupus Erythematosus, just "Lupus" for short). I will admit that it hasn't been easy, and there are times I find myself struggling more with the anger and hurt of being sick more than the actual symptoms themselves. However- I have never been more humble than I am today.


At the same time that I was facing my diagnosis a friend of mine's father was getting sick. He was eventually tested, and diagnosed with AML, and has struggled through treatment and to keep one step ahead of this disease for the better part of the last year. Recently his Dr. told him that he had lost the battle and that there was nothing else they could do for him.

His doctor obviously didn't know my friend Sara (the patients daughter) or the strength, love, energy, and power that this woman carries with her in her heart.

Maybe there is nothing else THAT Dr. could do for PapaAmore, but there is so much WE can do for him. Pray. Research. Make calls. Ask questions. Help find resources, studies, treatments. Everyone knows someone who holds the solution to another person's problems, it's all about network. And it's all about getting the word out. To each other, to God.

Do not give up. Believe. Fight. Love.

http://papamore.blogspot.com/

I invite you, no, I beg you to visit Sara's blog, the journey of her father's fight for his life, her fight for his life. So many miracles are already happening, so quickly.. already he has a new Dr., a new medicine, an invitation to the University of Chicago Lukemia center, someone who has offered to fly him.

The wheels are turning, God is listening. Be a part of something great. Even if all you can do is read, and pass the link on to someone else. If you can't help- you know someone who can, you just may not realize it.


There but for the grace of God go I..

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Tee-hee.



Someone who reads the blog sent this to me this morning, they said they came across it on the internet and I was the first person they thought of- and were sure I was one of few who would appreciate it.

Have I mentioned how much I love people and randomness?
You get me, you really really get me.


Me and Superman.. we're like peas in a pod.

Comicbooks and ballet- and you guys thought I was just being silly.

Friday, January 2, 2009

Holy Batman, where did the year ago?



Happy New Year everyone!


Looking back at 2008 I have to admit- a good chunk of it sucked. BUT! .. the good news is that when you have hit bottom.. you have nowhere to go ... but up!


So what then- is my New Years Resolution?

I made a list:


1. I will limit the amount of cheese I eat to a rational amount, rational of course being completely left up for me to define. =)

2. I will spend more time reading in the park, working out at the gym, and sitting in the rain.

3. I will remember that "I will call you back" does not mean "goodbye"- it actually means you will call people back- so not to say it if I don't plan on calling back.

4. I will continue to love him, endlessly, but perhaps better.

5. I will water the seeds- and not the weeds.

6. I will relax more, but stop wasting time.

7. I will let go. Of hurt, of confusion, of sadness, of anger, of fear. I will live again. One day at a time, and when need be- one minute at a time. But I will live every minute fully.

8. If I choose to remember someone- I will remember them for something good- or not at all.

9. I will remember that we do each teach others how to treat us, and I will remember my worth when doing so.

10. I will laugh when I want to laugh, sing when I want to sing, dance when I want to dance, and sometimes I will do all the three at the same time no matter who is, or isn't watching.


This is life, and it is good.


Bright blessings!

Saturday, December 27, 2008

What are we waiting for?

What are we waiting for?

They say we are all waiting for something.

To fall in love, to fall out of love
to grow up, to grow old
to feel young again, to die.

For school to start, for the semester to end
for work to begin, retirement to come
the next check to bounce, our paycheck to hit the bank

For children to be born, to grow up
to leave the home, to visit us more often

Some are waiting for the day when they aren't lonely anymore, and some are counting the days until they can finally be alone..

The whole world is waiting for something.. and in the meantime?

In the meantime we wake up, we exist somewhere in limbo between the now and 'then',
and we wait...

They say we are all waiting for something, but I don't want to wait anymore.

I don't want to wait, anymore.

Friday, November 28, 2008

Happy late Thanksgiving everyone!

I hope everyone had an amazing day yesterday with great food and lots of time with the people they love most!


A very big thank you to Mona who gave me the MOST wonderful stuffing recipe on the planet (Which I will be sharing as soon as I get her permission... ) and a special thanks to my boss, (Who I pray never reads this!) for giving us hams/turkeys this year fully cooked on site by the Allegro Marinade company!

In honor of free stuff, I am going to pimp the links to both the butcher shop and the marinade company in case anyone has a chance to find out just how AMAZING this food was.


The meat!

The Chefs!




Also, it's Friday night and since it's a full blown veg-fest after the holiday, here is my game recommendation for the night!

http://superobamaworld.com/


(Ha! I some of you were predicting I'd say Left for Dead or the stupid WoW expansion. Ha! I'm so much cooler than you.)

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Conversation I had tonight

While at the store buying sausage for the stuffing..


Them: Wow, hey! You look great!

Me: Thanks! You do too!

Them: You must be working out..

Me: Ya, a little, you know..

Them: I mean you look amazing, are you dieting too?

Me: Well I was, ya, now I'm just sort of...

Them: Well it worked, you have lost a TON of weight, holy cow.

Me: Thanks! I was trying, I feel good.

Them: I bet you do, you've lost so much weight, wow.

Me: Heh. Thanks again. Anyway..

Them: You're going to have to tell me what you did to lose all the weight, I mean you lost a ton.

Me: HOLY FUCKING SHIT I GET IT! I WAS A HUGE FUCKING COW AND NOW I AM NOT. I GET IT. COULD YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT IT ALREADY BEFORE I EAT YOU, SERIOUSLY! /stab
 
Ta-da