It's 2:00 AM when I look at the clock in the car- I've been driving for hours but I'm still no closer to wherever it is I'm going, and I'm certainly not any farther from wherever it is I was before.

I can't help but notice him at the stoplight. It's our 10th such meeting of the night and I feel somewhat like we are bonding in the darkness amidst the miles we are racking up.

I wonder if the look on his face and the story behind his midnight escapade is one of remembering, or forgetting. I wonder if the songs playing on his radio are as haunting as mine, or if he has tried to turn around and go home as many times as I have- only to realize it's pointless, the walls and quiet can drive a person crazy.

I wonder where it is he'd rather be.

I drive for another hour almost before I have my own ephiphany- the fuel behind my own journey is that I don know if I want to remember, or forget. And no matter how many circles I drive in, or how many stops at all night gas stations for caffeine, my heart and my head will just not compromise.

It's late, everything is fuzzy and I have nothing to lose so I call. I can't blame it on drunk dialing- but I figure being sleep deprived is close enough.

I need to know. I need to know if right this minute he's somewhere trying to remember, or forget. I need to know if everything meant anything. I need to know if I am crazy or if maybe we are sharing a moment- I need to know..

And when he answers I can tell he's been sleeping.

I suddenly remember that I hated that about him. He could sleep no matter what.

And I want to scream at him to get the fuck out of my head, that I deserve better. I want to convince us both.

And then I want to cry and ask him how he can be sleeping, why isn't his head as messy as mine, why isn't he out here doing NASCAR laps in the dark ..

But I don't.

I hang up, I drive home, and I lay on the couch.

I remind myself that no matter what it feels like- I will eventually sleep, and the sun will come out, and life will keep going on. I'll remember things I'd like to forget, and forget some things I try so hard to remember.

And on and on and on the days go.