I went to dinner last night with my family and enjoyed what I thought was an amazing meal, that is until about 20 minutes after finishing it. It took me a few minutes to realize that I was actually going to die from food poisoning as I sprawled there on the floor of a local establishment.

What seemed like days later a worker came in because they were closing I didn't even try to save pride, or grace, I simply muttered something about hell and revenge and rolled over.

If I were to compare myself to superman - I can quite certainly say that bad seafood is my kryptonite and the world was fucked last night.

This morning seems somewhat better, I'm no longer begging someone to hit me with a bus or cursing my mother for giving birth to me, and I have managed to avoid coming into inappropriate contact with a retail establishment's bathroom floor for at least the last 8 hours. However..

I may need some sort of twitter intervention because while laying there, with life flashing before my eyes, trying to get all of my estate and final arrangements planned in my head- I actually took the time to #followfriday someone early, just in case I didn't make it.

It's 2:00 AM when I look at the clock in the car- I've been driving for hours but I'm still no closer to wherever it is I'm going, and I'm certainly not any farther from wherever it is I was before.

I can't help but notice him at the stoplight. It's our 10th such meeting of the night and I feel somewhat like we are bonding in the darkness amidst the miles we are racking up.

I wonder if the look on his face and the story behind his midnight escapade is one of remembering, or forgetting. I wonder if the songs playing on his radio are as haunting as mine, or if he has tried to turn around and go home as many times as I have- only to realize it's pointless, the walls and quiet can drive a person crazy.

I wonder where it is he'd rather be.

I drive for another hour almost before I have my own ephiphany- the fuel behind my own journey is that I don know if I want to remember, or forget. And no matter how many circles I drive in, or how many stops at all night gas stations for caffeine, my heart and my head will just not compromise.

It's late, everything is fuzzy and I have nothing to lose so I call. I can't blame it on drunk dialing- but I figure being sleep deprived is close enough.

I need to know. I need to know if right this minute he's somewhere trying to remember, or forget. I need to know if everything meant anything. I need to know if I am crazy or if maybe we are sharing a moment- I need to know..

And when he answers I can tell he's been sleeping.

I suddenly remember that I hated that about him. He could sleep no matter what.

And I want to scream at him to get the fuck out of my head, that I deserve better. I want to convince us both.

And then I want to cry and ask him how he can be sleeping, why isn't his head as messy as mine, why isn't he out here doing NASCAR laps in the dark ..

But I don't.

I hang up, I drive home, and I lay on the couch.

I remind myself that no matter what it feels like- I will eventually sleep, and the sun will come out, and life will keep going on. I'll remember things I'd like to forget, and forget some things I try so hard to remember.

And on and on and on the days go.

Today is a crappy day.

It's not even one of those cute crappy days where I can giggle, or go post about on FML. () Today is one of those days where I don't even want to stab anyone with a spork, I just want to go to bed and wake up and it not be today.


Have you ever just had a day where you looked back at a huge part of your life and think "Welp, I just completely fucked that up, well done." and suddenly you're not sure if it was all your fault, if you are just completely incapable of having success in certain areas of your life?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not talking Emo here, It's not "Woe is me".. but today I found myself so completely sad over something that should mean nothing, and I thought did mean nothing, like- absolute nothing- but then today out of nowhere, I was sad.

Sad because- it got fucked up. I guess it doesn't matter who, or why, or how. It just did. And now that part of my life will never exist again. And it doesn't matter if that's a good thing or not- what matters is- it's gone.

And apparently at some point in my life it was important to me, it was something I wanted, something I had hoped would be successful and a part of my life, and now it isn't.

You spend so much time convincing yourself you are better off, that you're glad it's gone.. and maybe you are... but you weren't always.

So today I guess I am sad for the me that was back then. Back then it meant everything to me, and now it means nothing.


I guess no matter how certain we are, we are never really 100% sure until somewhere later in life we can look back and say "Yap, that was the right decision", and today just isn't that day.

Bright blessings you guys, make sure you happy, wherever you are in life.